Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
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Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Duolingo getting serious.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers