All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
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Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck