Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
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Still my favorite headline of all time:
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work