I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
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her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Is your wife single?
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?