*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
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Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Is your wife single?
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.