Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Hmmmmm
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast