My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
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Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.