Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
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Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
These 3D printers are insane!
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.