girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Uh oh…
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday