Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
You Might Also Like
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Not today.. 😂
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Every time.
so weird how every mom was born today
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My apartment is a mess, I should move
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.