Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
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If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.