gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
adding to the discourse
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem