My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
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When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein