Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
You Might Also Like
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Still my favourite meme.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.