FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
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Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
A duv-egg? In this economy?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
This will teach them to underestimate me
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working