I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
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*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.