Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
You Might Also Like
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Yup.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.