I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”