[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.