I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
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@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Gods work.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
#Caturday
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…