Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
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Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Seek kebab; not attention
The devil.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.