Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
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Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.