Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
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Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
step 6: release the wall snake
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I’m confused about plants