10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
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Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?