How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
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please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
😬
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?