My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.