By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
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ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Me :
All Day At Night
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.