Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
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Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
We have a winner.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.