MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
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My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)