Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant