I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My beach vacation Google searches
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!