Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
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Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The best plant holders?
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
A game married people play.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.