I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I have never related to a cat more
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Something Saturday.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room