“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
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Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole