Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
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Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
how to market bottled water to dads
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.