Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.