Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Wait for it
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.