Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”