kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.