Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Mornin
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
#catsoftwitter
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Sponch
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh