*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
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Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.