ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
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Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*