My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”