About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
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“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Oops
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
what are they serving at kfc then???
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.