The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
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When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
That lamp looks PISSED.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?