For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
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Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.