The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
How to woo a woman
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken