Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in