Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?