The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim